DEAR DIEDRE: I CAUGHT my wife in bed with our son’s best friend.
It was humiliating but I’ve got to the stage where I’d like to forgive and move on.
However, she insists we are over.
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We’ve been married for 30 years and our son is 27. We are both 52.
Whereas I’m a quiet, shy guy who works with electronics, she is the party animal — even now. She loves a drink and still goes out with her girlfriends every Friday night.
She’s cheated on me before. I once arrived early to pick her up and saw her come out of the pub entwined with some man, kissing him.
I was upset but she said it meant nothing and I shouldn’t worry about it, so we carried on as usual.
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My son’s friend is 28. The boys grew up together.
He got married two years ago but the marriage didn’t last and he had been lodging with us, in our attic room. His parents and sister live in Spain.
I went on a week’s training course but there was a Covid outbreak in the hotel, so we had to leave.
I arrived home early and when I took my suitcase upstairs, I found my wife in bed with our lodger.
He leapt out of bed, full of apologies, and my wife was mortified. He packed his bags and left.
I thought our marriage was OK. We’d have sex once a month, which I think is normal, but my wife thinks twice a week is ideal. I’m not up to that.
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I confided in our vicar and want to work on our relationship but my wife says she is wracked with guilt and wants to leave.
She said: “Admit it — we want different things. Our sex life is rubbish and I’ve been horrid to you. I need to go.”
I love her, though. I just don’t feel I’m enough.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are opposites but often that is part of the attraction in couples.
She has forgotten why you got together in the first place. She is bored and you missed the signs but cheating like this was unfair and unkind.
Your humility accepts her cheating whereas with most people, it would provoke a different reaction.
She is embarrassed, so by walking out on your relationship she convinces herself she is doing the right thing.
But you still love her, so show some backbone and tell her you need couples’ counselling to understand what has gone wrong.
Could you compromise on how regularly you have sex – perhaps once a week?
Find help at tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975). My support pack on cheating will help you too.
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